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What Burns My Brisket? Baggage Carousels
May 25, 2013

You know what really burns my brisket? The whole baggage claim experience. Actually, the whole airport experience. But I intend to stretch that into multiple rants as I’ve also never been a big fan of “giving 110%.” And for the record, it’s scientifically, mathematically, and just plain logically impossible to go above 100%. That’s what “one hundred percent” means – all there is!  American Idol‘s Randy Jackson is one of the worst culprits of this nonsense. When enthusiastically sending someone to the Hollywood rounds, he’ll often say something like, “one million billion percent yes.” Ugh. There is no shortage of problems with that phrase. And apparently no shortage of things that burn my brisket. This series should be long-lived!

Back to this baggage carousel ridiculousness. Let’s start with the name. It sounds fun. It isn’t. Unless you’re a bag.  “Samsonite – I was way off!”

And do these “carousels” need to be equipped with tornado sirens? Somehow, I think we’ll figure out when the bags are present. I suppose this is somewhat helpful to the blind. However, now they’re deaf as well. At least the baggage claim foghorn has served to scare away the unparented children who were just playing “king of the hill” on the contraption!

So, out come the bags and a panic overtakes the crowd. Passengers start jockeying for position based on the direction of carousel rotation whilst also trying to gauge a safe distance from the initial baggage shoot allowing for the perfect amount of time to identify and retrieve their prized possessions. Of course, this is virtually impossible as 9 out of 10 passengers have generic, black luggage!

It should be illegal for companies to sell black luggage. The most basic color available should be fire engine red in very limited quantities. From there, the options should range from chartreuse to drastically varying shades of periwinkle. And with each luggage purchase should come a mandatory piece of unique and distinctive flair to be attached at the handle. The only company that should be allowed to produce black luggage is Louis Vuitton for multiple reasons. For one, they will no longer be able to smear their logo all over the product. Secondly, purchasers will have to REALLY want black luggage. And it will aid the rest of us in spotting and avoiding superficial fools.

We return once again to the baggage claim saga. Everyone is at high alert. As a potential match approaches, the passengers begin frantically attempting to locate their names printed in microscopic font on the baggage tags, often retrieving the wrong bags and subsequently discarding them haphazardly onto passing luggage. Or worse, someone will occasionally locate their oversized bag with inadequate time to efficiently remove it with one attempt. Pandemonium. Apparently, a vast majority are under the impression that the carousel makes only one revolution and leads to a furnace. So, they latch a death-grip onto the fleeting handle which prompting drags them over an elderly woman and a couple of infants. Relax, people. Your bag will return again and again and even come to an eventual stop. Go grab your decaf, nonfat, soy, chai latte with two Splendas, take some deep breaths, and return to the carousel when there are fewer people to harm.

As you can imagine, Home Free spends an overabundance of time in airports, so we’re constantly treated to the joys of the baggage carousel only to determine that our microphone receivers are still in our layover city, and Chris’s underpants aren’t even in the right country! So, while “carousel” is a misnomer, “baggage” is right on.

And that’s what burns my brisket.

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