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What Burns My Brisket – Southern Californians
May 28, 2015

Did y’all know today is National Brisket Day?  In honor of one of our favorite foods, Tim penned this dandy for y’all to enjoy today. Read on, and go enjoy some burnt ends!

You know what really burns my brisket? Southern Californians. 

Calm down, reader. I’m not going to actually attack them as people. Most of them are quite lovely in spite of their myriad issues.

So, which issue will I be addressing today? It relates to their vehicular operation. No, I’m not going to complain about their driving in general. Too easy. And honestly, who has that kind of time? I will say that it boggles the mind how three drops of rain can instantly wipe millions of memories completely clear of the elementary principles of safely and effectively operating an automobile.

Now, on to the particular issue at hand – their understanding of and outlook on local geography and distance. I lived in Orange County for three years and still visit regularly. I try to coax my friends in Los Angeles proper to drive to hang out with my friends in Orange County and vice versa. They act like I’ve asked them to come to Montreal. On foot. It’s 30 miles away! Granted, traveling 30 miles in southern California often requires food and water rations. But not if you know when and when not to do it! Somehow, multi-decade transplants still haven’t sorted out the traffic schedule. It’s even worse when born-and-raised southern Californians show up hours late to an event and then act shocked at the highway congestion at 5pm on the Friday of Labor Day weekend.

Back to this mileage nonsense. Most of my SoCal friends are in some area the entertainment industry. They largely make their own schedules and are wonderfully spontaneous with a healthy dose of wanderlust…just not within their own neck of the woods. They’ll up and head to Vegas on a whim which requires half a day’s drive though uninhabited desert. But if you want them to accompany you 90 scenic miles south to San Diego, you’ll need a month of planning and some sort of mind-blowing bribery.

Have you ever planned travel to Los Angeles and let your ride know that you’re inclined to save hundreds of dollars by flying into Burbank? They act like you’ve kicked their dog.

People, learn to enjoy a nice drive. Avoid the peak hours. Roll the windows down. Take your eyes off of the license plate of the car in front of you every once in a while and turn them toward the mountains. Southern California is amazing. That’s why the masses trade a king’s ransom for the headache of living there.

Alas, it can prove tricky to enjoy a spin through southern California. Because of all of the Southern Californians. And that’s what burns my brisket.


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